"Les 24 Heures de Choo-Choo"
[the 24 Hours of Choo-Choo
(as in Le Mans)]

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The Mullsanne Straight Down
"Les 24 Heures de Choo Choo" November 1981, R&T

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The History of Tanks
{Racing Tanks, that is}

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S. Mott caption:  1. The First Recorded Fighting Tank (circa 1400 B.C.).  This battle machine, found on an early Egyptian wall fresco, was used by Amhose, Lord of Thebes of the XVII dynasty to defeat and reunite Egypt. Treads were logs lashed together with papyrus reeds. Power was oxen; armament, shields; fire power, bows and arrows. The exhaust system was apparently faulty.

[Incidentally, it does appear that, while the waist gunners have their acts in gear, the tail gunner sure seems to have wasted one of his two exhausted mechanics - SB,III]

{"Sweep we must, for a cleaner Thebes is up to you!"}

[SB,III - It takes gall to spoof the great Stan Mott but I can not resist having some fun witb his version of an early Skeleton Tank (there REALLY is such, from WWI, at Aberdeen Proving Ground); whil(e)(st) his truss is artistically of great merit and, for cartoon purposes, certainly gets the multi-faceted joke across quite well, it grates on my mechanical engineering background, so I've doctored le maître's elegant œuvre to suit myself:]   (15 Jan 2013)

Whil(e){st) we're at it, here's the actual Skeleton Tank at APG:   (05 Dec 2012)

- - - _· - - -

S. Mott caption:  2. The Viking Long Tank (circa 1050 AD.) was actually a variation of the Viking Long Ship, with the addition of eight gigantic wooden wheels and heavy rope treads. It helped Vikings to traverse land and meet people; for as good as they were at sailing, rowing, raping and pillaging, they hated to walk and were rotten conversationalists. Here we see a fleet entering a Polish village, with sails flying, oars clawing and warriors screaming, "Vell, vell, here ve are...ya...um..."

S. Mott caption:  3. L'Esprit de Maginot (1927). This 470,000-ton French behemoth, designed by the famed general Jean Babtiste Estienne, patrolled the full length of the Maginot Line. With its twelve sixteen-inch guns, thirty-two eight-inch guns, three hundred machine gun nests, and 1,500-man crew, it could arrive, by racing at top speed of 1.2mph, at any point along the line within a month. It could then support the retreat of the French army at any point along the Maginot Line.

[SB, III - Yet again, it takes gall and emerity to mess around with Stan's work but, in MY (SB, III's) alternate reality, his version of the 1927 l'Esprit de Maginot simply isn't the latest one!  As an old Ordnance man, I have to step in and give my version of matters here.  First of all, there were TWENTY-FOUR (24) main guns, NOT just twelve,  As shown, the port turrets would have over-balanced the tank; there had to be matching ones on the starboard side.  Then, there were also another pair of super-firing triple turrets on the aft deck.  Beyond just that, the guns were obtained from Japan where they were just being developed for the super-battleships Yamato and Musashi (and the still-born Shinano, completed as a carrier).  Thus, they were actually 460mm (18.1") naval rifles, firing 2,998-pound (1,360 kg) shells over 26 miles (42 km).   (05 Dec 2012) and (12 Jan 2013)

As can be readily seen on this alternate version, unearthed by the ever-diligent Berlinerwerke Art Department, the extra weight of those monster guns required an additional set of boilers to maintain the 1.2mph top speed and wider tracks to hold down the ground pressure.]   (12 Jan 2013)

S. Mott caption:  4. Midget Japanese Kamikaze Tank (1945). A one thousand-pound bomb with engine, treads and hull, driven by volunteer Japanese midgets. Designed as a last ditch attempt to destroy American forces invading mainland Japan, they were a total failure. This was due to the fact that while getting ready to weld the hatch shut to prevent a volunteer midget, shown in the lower right of the illustration, from escaping...hm, that's funny. He was here a second ago.

S. Mott caption:  5. Russian T-34 Glider Tank (1953). An experimental tank designed to be driven out the rear of high-f1ying cargo planes, dive straight down, and pull out at the last second to land safely. It was an unfortunate failure for the drivers, but the two hundred-foot holes made by the T-34s turned out to be perfect for installing underground intercontinental missile silos.

S. Mott caption:  6. Those Late Great Sport Tanks of the 1950s! Many young people simply don't realize how much fun it was in the good old days to race a Porsche, MG, or Jaguar sportank across country! Why, you could fire your guns at competitors, or anyone who got in the way, and smash through farms and forests and have one hell of a good time! Here we see the early Watkins Glen "Point-A to Point-B" club race that really got the movement going. Many young folks today are unaware that by 1962 we had plowed under nearly 5% of the nation's golf courses! But the "Blue Noses" rammed through namby-pamby safety regulations forcing sportank manufacturers to prod the "cars" and "trucks" we see on the roads today. Disgusting.

S. Mott caption:  7. The Christie-Cunningham LeMans Sportank (1962). The ultimate American sportank, designed by J. Walter Christie and financed by millionaire sportsman Briggs Cunningham, was winner of the 1962 French LeMans 24-hour no-holds-barred classic. Its low profile, heavy armament, and high speed allowed driver Cunningham himself to knock out most of the competition. To put it is his own words: "It was really gratifying to blast all those foreign bastards to hell. I guess I can go home now."

S. Mott caption:  8. The Checker Taxi Tank (1977-). An incredibly successful design constructed out of the running gear of a Sherman M4A3 tank and the body of an ordinary taxi cab. Hundreds have been use in New York City for over 30 years, and have posted record times getting across town in rush hour. New Yorkers are enthralled with them. So when a friend or colleague gets squashed, they shrug and say "That's the city."

End

[I must add that these superb cartoons, which are soaking up on-line memory like crazy but are well-worth it, are very dear to my heart; I was an Ordnance Proof Director at Aberdeen Proving Ground back in the '50s (click here for my main Ordnance page) - SB,III.]

S. Mott caption:  1. All the world is familiar with Igor Sokerov's more famous aircraft - the ones that flew. But what about his other great creations? Just how influential was this man? Why don't we taxi down the tarmac of aircraft memorabilia, getting up a little air speed to rise on wings of fleeting time (keeping our elbows away from the hot exhaust), and fly over the rainbow behind the Iron Curtain, where we see...

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Sokerov's 1925 Troika. It was designed to appear as if three separate aircraft were flying in tight aerobatic formation -- when in fact it was only one single aircraft! The object was to impress Western air show observers with Soviet flying ability. A tragic failure, due to installation of three sets of independent controls.

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S. Mott caption:  2. World's largest aircraft! The Sokerov Marxeng Leslenin was a 1930s works project designed to employ the western half of the U.S.S.R., and to subsequently spread Communism by air throughout the world. Never flew. Made world's longest taxi run from the suburbs of Omsk to the Kamchatka Peninsula, where it now serves as world's widest archipelago.

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S. Mott caption:  3. Here we see devoted Smolensk factory employees giving the 1932 Sokerov Bopwopoludjowe Tri-motor a critical stationary wing test.

[Detailed views follow to save you clicking:]

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No doubt some Trotskyite in the parts department mixed chocolate with the rivets.

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But loyal employees continue test.

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S. Mott caption:  4. With the storm clouds of World War II gathering, newly inducted Soviet air force cadets were given crash courses on Sokerov's basic theories of flight.

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S. Mott caption:  5. In late 1937, Stalin commissioned Sokerov to design the Sztandar Moodyehski, or "Flying Big Bertha." Prototype fired volunteer-guided YUK, or "Flying Shell." Once. Dramatic lack of air speed after firing of shell prevented second flight.

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S. Mott caption:  6. Here we have an intimate view of Sztandar Moodyehski about to be loaded with YUK. Note similarity between YUK and famed Soviet fighter YAK. Specialists believe the two were related designs. YUK and YAK differ only that YAK has no YUK nose spinner, and YUK no YAK cowling. But both YUK and YAK yaw. Note also military police about to "brief" volunteer.

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S. Mott caption:  7. In 1943, Hitler's Wehrmacht was hammering Leningrad (St. Petersburg). Stalin desperately needed a secret weapon to save it. Sokerov provided an answer; The bizarre Chrysler Aeroflot carplane. Based on the 1935 Chrysler Airflow and the MiG-1 fighter, its purpose was to fly commandos behind German lines to drive around and shoot people. Never flew. But became the world's fastest armored snowplow.

[Too bad Stan didn't draw the incredible 1934 Chrysler Airflow "Waterfall" nose which I (SB,III) happen to know Sokerov actually used as a model for the original Chrysler Aeroflot carplane.]

AHA!  The ever-resourceful Berlinerwerke Archives disgorged the original Chrysler Aerflot, with the proper 1934 grill and massive 3-bar bumper, instead of that hideous 1935 nose:

[I KNEW there just HAD to be such an image! - SB,III]

S. Mott comment [after the fact]:  {T}he 1934 Chrysler Airflow is indeed the ugliest front end ever designed by man or beast.  For this very reason, Sokerov chose it as a starting point, as the genuine illustration of the prototype from Berlinerwerke Archives shows [how's THAT for praise from the Maître?].  But alas, the machine almost flew!  Sokerov would have none of that.  Thus, his use of the 1935 Chrysler Airflow front end -- which allowed the use of a greater “scoop” from front bumper to fender top.  With engine roaring [nonsense - Chrysler engines never need to roar!] and propeller spinning (having properly scalped the guy who turned the crank) the prop blast insured the aircraft would dig deeper into the snow the faster it taxied -- until it went in so deep that all you could see were smoke tendrils rising.  And those still alive scratching their heads.  Typical of Sokerov genius.

(image courtesy of and © S. Mott, as revised by S. Berliner, III 19 Jul 2008 - all rights reserved, but to whom?)

(image courtesy of and © S. Mott, as revised by S. Berliner, III 19 Jul 2008 - all rights reserved, but to whom?)

S. Mott caption:  8. The Sokerov flying Atheletski Supportorvick (untranslatable) was one of Sta1in's favorite wartime prototypes. Unfortunately, if was also the favorite of a dozen captured Prussian generals of the old School. A model was being tested near their prison camp, and they eagerly threw themselves onto it's propeller shaft before they could be interrogated. Deciding the Atheletski was psychologically too effective with the Germans, and taking into consideration the fact that it didn't work, Stalin ordered the project abandoned.

[Unfortunatelyi, Sovietski Censorship Apparat declarèd dis illustratski unfit for delicate eyes, zo to zee ze uncensorèd zo-callèd thumbnailski in fullski, you musht clickski hereski and to zee ze uncensorèd full HUGEYI illustyratski, you musht clickski hereski; if you be sqveamish, you haf been varnèd!]

S. Mott caption:  9. Sokerov's final effort was the Jet-O-Round adapter, here installed on famed TU-114 for testing at Volga Air Works. Adapter was designed to give unlimited power on limited fuel with virtually no air pollution! The principle on which it operated was much like harnessing the power of the sun; hot exhaust was directed back under the wings and into the front of the engines, turning them over faster, which blew out more hot exhaust directed back under the wings...ad infinitum! Unfortunately, Sokerov, as a result of an indiscretion made while being introduced to the spouse of NKVD chief Schelepin ("Sokerov, this is my wife..." "Sokerov yourself, you brought her! Hah!"), was chained to the pilot's seat and forced to push the starter button. Still, we say, hail to thee, Igor Sokerov!

The End

S. Mott caption:  1. Las Vegas Up "Very Expensive Thrills"
National Lampoon, August 1977.

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S. Mott caption:  2. Super Tanker Chopper "Little Buddy" "Very Expensive Thrills" National Lampoon, August 1977

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S. Mott caption:  3. Here we see Mr Wonderful and his crew...okay, me and my crew on the bridge. Let's face it. Every guy Who buys a million-dollar super car buys it to impress other guys who buy, or would like to buy, million-dollar super cars. And to impress babes. Well, I might not be able to afford a million-dollar super car, but I can draw me at the controls of the biggest, most expensive, most powerful vehicle in the history of the world, crewed by four beautiful women, racing across my own private kingdom! Yes, yes and YES!!! So there.

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S. Mott caption:  4. My Super Tanker Chopper Golden Kick Stand and Dock.
"Very Expensive Thrills" National Lampoon, August 1977.

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S. Mott caption:  5. One of the more popular sports of the 21st century will be truck jumping. There will be many classes, from VW kombis to cement mixers to twenty-eight-wheel semis. There will be pros and amateurs, independents and factory teams. But basically there will be only two jumping categories; acrobatic and distance. Here we see a hands-off-the-wheel pro taking an 18-wheel moving van, horns and lights blazing, through a double gainer tuck and roll back-flip -- a real contender for the national finals!

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S. Mott caption:  6. No doubt there will be great and unforeseen breakthroughs in international transportation, too -- such as the moleplane, which will replace the jet airplane. It will eliminate noise and air pollution, and provide us with direct transportation to places like China and New Zealand. On Sundays, families will visit moleports and watch all the activities. The moleplane will allow us to literally take a peek inside spaceship earth. We will discover many large caverns and develop them; but wisely. So onward, into the future, and perhaps Las Vegas Down!

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