S. Berliner, III's sbiii.com Fun Page keywords = fun humor wit laugh smile joke gag boff silly silliness bumper sticker entertain amuse IAOIO innate animosity

Updated:   22 Jan 2016; 23:15 ET
[Page converted 18 Jul 2012
    original AT&T Worldnet Website begun 30 May 1996.]

URL:  http://sbiii.com/fun.html
[was at "home.att.net/~Berliner-Ultrasonics/fun.html"]

S. Berliner, III
Consultant in Ultrasonic Processing
"changing materials with high-intensity sound"

[consultation is on a fee basis]

Technical and Historical Writer, Oral Historian
Popularizer of Science and Technology
Rail, Auto, Air, Ordnance, and Model Enthusiast
Light-weight Linguist, Lay Minister, and Putative Philosopher



note - The vast bulk of my massive Web presence (over 485 pages) had been hosted by AT&T's WorldNet service since 30 May 1996; they dropped WorldNet effective 31 Mar 2010 and I have been scrambling to transfer everything.  Everything's saved but all the links have to be changed, mostly by hand.  See my sbiii.com Transfer Page for any updates on this tedious process.


S. Berliner, III's

sbiii.com

Fun Page

(Unindexed)

What a waste of Good Humor!

(Maybe I should switch to Bungalow Bar?)

Go on, tell me you don't remember Bungalow Bar!


[The more technological "humor" hereon was moved to my FUN-TECH page on 14 Oct 2004
to make room for more puerile foolishness.]


I have been asked many times how in hell do I find time to do ALL that I do (these web sites)?  Didn't you know my stock answer?  I'm either semi-retired or semi-retarded, but don't know which!(25 Mar 2008)


JUST PLAIN FUN

(or "humor"{?} or silliness!)

"I have my own web site."
"So does a Black Widow."
(courtesy of Hank Ketcham's Dennis the Menace)

"Not tonight dear, I have a modem."
  (courtesy of Don Griggs)

  Here's pure terror:
MORGEN, DIE WELT!
MS Total Domination 99  

(I don't know from whence this image came; my daughter sent it along)

Who dared to put that silly disk
in my automatic cup holder?

I press the little button.  Whirrr!  Out comes the cup holder.
Press it again.  Whirrr!  The cup holder retracts.  (So handy!)

If you use the cup holder a lot, you might like this accessory:

Internal

Of course, there's the bumper sticker (see below for more):

        We are Microsoft.  Resistance Is Futile.  You Will Be Assimilated.

Let's hear it for LINUX!

If you're into computers, you've GOT to see Peter Zale's "Helen, Sweetheart of the Internet" comic strip; if it's not in your paper, get his book, "Techies Unite!" - see Helen.   URL rev (221 Jan 2016)


See also my LANGUAGE and CULTURE (so-called) pages.

This, courtesy of my sister, is SO brilliant I'm breaking with precedent and posting it up front (here AND on my Computer page):   new (15 Jan 2016)

SpamWarning
{edited ever-so-slghtly by SB,III}


I happen to be a pretty happy guy;
I even smile in my sleep:  :-)

Some people sleep with their caps on:   (-:p   or   d:-)

but that makes some of them unhappy:   )-:p   or   d:-( !

Of course, dirty old men like me just leer or wink:  ¦-) or ;-)  !

But that makes women cry:

 )-;
   .
   .
   .
   .
 _\!/_

Inscrutable Oriental:  {-_-}

W C. Fields:   :o(

Near-sighted happy guy:  8-)


  \  /
>:-()-:<  How about a pair of kissing gourami(s)?
  /  \

The tears (above) reminded me of the Unitarian Universalist minister whose e-mail sign-off includes a UU flaming chalice; how's he get the flame to burn sideways?

~)-|

More to the point, however, is what keeps the oil from pouring out?

 ~)-|
   .
   .
   .
   .
_\!/_

Here's another version of the flaming chalice (24 Aug 2008):

~)<

That STILL doesn't solve the problem of the oil spilling, though.

My latest (31 Dec 2002):

  :·) {colon, Alt 250, close paren.} or

  :•) {colon, Alt 249, close paren.}


Nothing "square" or "geriatric" about me!

I feel like an OVAL TEEN!


Computer buffs may wish to look at the Emergency Computer Back-Up System (ECBS) at the top of my home page or even the full explanation of ECBS and its ancillary device, BOOK, on my computer page at ECBS and BOOK.


My paternal grandmother was born on 15 February, as was I.  That just happens to be the anniversary of the sinking of the battleship Maine in Havana harbor.  Next, my older daughter was born on 07 December, a day that lives in infamy, as Franklin Delano Roosevelt put it (Pearl Harbor).  When my first grandchild was due, I suggested to the Dept. of Defense that all naval units be put on full alert; happily, she chose to arrive on a day of no known (to me) significant naval significance (only navel).
Hey, you never know!

My father died in 1970 and, about six months later, I had occasion to call his office on business.  His ancient Irish switchboard operator was still there and, completely forgetting that his telephone voice and mine were virtually identical, I brightly said, "Hi, Ms. 'X', this is Sam Berliner!", to which she responded "oh, OH, OH!" and apparently swooned.  Realizing my gaffe, I screamed into the receiver, "No, no, Ms. 'X', it's Jr.-Jr.!" (the office's pet name for me, the "third" to Dad's "junior") and she, recovering, weakly answered, "Oh, thank God!".


"Consistency is the hobgoblin of little minds!"

(Of course, you must ALWAYS quote it this exact way!
It MUST be KORREKT!)


TRAFFIC CONES

I use and enjoy Sizzling Jalfredi, R. Rutter's HTML explanation, but I rarely "browse" the site.  I happened on his funny "crate" notes (q.v.) and couldn't help wondering if he knew about the English "society" dedicated to the preservation of, and prevention of cruelty to, traffic cones (or some such noble aims).  I ran across it several years ago while (whilst?) visiting an old school chum who has become veddy British and lives in Hampton.  We were cruising the M1 and he pointed out a cone nursery (please don't tell anyone but it was actually a storage yard alongside an M1 construction project), which led to the disclosure of that august body.

There are, or were, available in the U.S. HO-scale (1:87.1) cones, which I instantly realized could be sold in the U.K. as cone embryos or seedlings.  Happily for the sanity of the general public, nothing further came of this notion.  Still, I can't help but wonder if the conophiles prospered.

Oh , no!  There IS a society, but it is the RSPCA (the Royal Society for Prevention of Cruelty to Aliens) and yet they claim that sweet, innocent cones are evil aliens!

Without belaboring this, I also ran across the SPCB (the Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Bearings), from India, but, as you'll see, they've lost their bearings!


Sick, but amusing (from Women's Health Digest, 1997, Vol. 3, No. 3):
Do you know the difference between worry and panicWorry is the first time a guy can't do it the second time.  Panic is the second time he can't do it the first time.

Speaking (in French) of differences (vive la différence!), quelle est la différence entre un homme et une femme?  La différence entre!
{If you don't understand French, just don't ask!}

Here's one I got on 16 May 2001 and treasure:

A woman in Tibet smelled smoke and went running to the kitchen,
where smoke was pouring out of her oven.
"Oh my baking Yak!" she cried.


BUMPER STICKERS (and such)

One of my all-time favorites was one that required you to look twice; it read, quite simply:

    "BIMPER STUCKER"!

Somehow, I missed that great classic:

    "Beam me up, Scotty; there's no intelligent life down here!"

Another was a very small one that read:

    "If you can read this - you're too damn close!"!

A real gem was one I found in an elevator in a college many years ago:

    "FREE THE INDIANAPOLIS 500!"!

Some require a bit of education or erudition, such as:

    ESCHEW EXCESSIVE VERBIOSITY (English teachers' association) or:

    AVOID REPETITIVE REDUNDANCY (ditto)

    REUNITE GONDWANALAND! (ca. 1963)
        [I think this one's truly outstanding!]

  Hey, how come no one wants to REUNITE PANGAEA?

[Long before bumper stickers, we had the roadside BURMA-SHAVE signs, q.v.]

There are a lot of gross and foul bumper stickers out there but a few are so good as to deserve mention:

NURSES DO IT IN BED

DIVERS DO IT DEEPER

PLUMBERS HAVE BETTER PIPES

u.s.w.

My sister sent me a long list of bumper stickers and such, ostensibly from the Boulder, Colorado, area; some of the best include (the first is my favorite):

    Very funny, Scotty.  Now beam down my clothes.

    I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

    He's not dead, he's electroencephalographically challenged.

    If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.

    If you lived in your car, you'd be home by now.

    I got a gun for my wife, best trade I ever made.

    So you're a feminist... Isn't that cute!

    Sometimes I wake up Grumpy; other times I let her sleep.

    Forget about World Peace - Visualize Using Your Turn Signal!*

    Be nice to your kids.  They'll choose your nursing home.

    I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather...
        Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.

and her favorite

    Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

which I think is rather scary!

* - didja ever see:

    Work for Whirled Peas.

Now, let's add to that:

    Help stamp out violins on TV!

Then there's the ancient P.I. response to that old bumper sticker, FREE SOVIET JEWS; "Great, I'll take five!".  Now that the problem is moot, this sick humor can be resurrected.

We saw this one on 16 Dec 2008:   new.gif (16 Dec 08)

    "MY BOA CAN EAT YOUR HONOR STUDENT!"


I'm quite capable of perpetrating some pretty bad ones all on my own; the more techie ones are now on my FUN-TECH page.

May I offer this from my own fevered brain for your consideration
        (but ya gotta know Korean cars):

  A guy walks onto the used car lot at a dealership for Korean cars.  He turns down several clunkers and then spots a real cream puff.  The salesman, quick to spot interest, asks if any of them are what the guy wants and he replies,

"Only the good Dai Young".

(with apologies to Billy Joel)


Some of the above puerility can be credited to the red-neck mentality to which we can be grateful for this gem (to be sung to the obvious tune):

        This land is my land;
        It isn't your land.
        I've got a shotgun,
        And you don't got one.
        If you don't get off,
        I'll blow your head off!
        This land is private property!


THE TEMPERATURE OF HEAVEN @ moved to FUN-TECH page on 14 Oct 2004.

@ - See "Beastly Numbers", below.

Speaking of "optics" (noted in TEMP. of HEAVEN), applied or otherwise, have you seen the Bio-Optic Organized Knowledge device, the Emergency Computer Back-Up System, and the Portable Erasable Nib Cryptic Intercommunications Language Stylii on my Computers page (as noted above)?


HOW HOT IS IT IN HELL? @ - moved to FUN-TECH page on 14 Oct 2004.

@ - See "Beastly Numbers", below.


Take a look at my Pooh Page - it was a failed attempt to rescue the real Pooh and friends from Durance Vile!  If you've read this page this far, you should enjoy the Pooh page.


JOKES {?}

Three freshman engineering students were sitting around one day arguing about who might have designed the human body.  The first one said "It must have been a mechanical engineer.  The human body has all those levers and pivots and stuff - it must have been a mechanical engineer".

The second one said, "No, it had to have been an electrical engineer.  The complex way the nerves are wired to the brain must have been designed by an electrical engineer".

The third one said, "No, it was a civil engineer.  Who else would have run a waste water line through a recreational area?".


Things were getting really dull in Heaven; everyone was punching away at their computers.  So God announced a competition for whomever could write the most elegant program.  Soon, everyone was working away.  It ended up in a dead tie between the Buddha and Jesus.  God said that wouldn't do, he wanted a clear-cut victory, so he sent the Buddha and Jesus back to work.  Suddenly, just as they were finishing, a blast of lightning blew out both computers.  God told them to rewrite the programs, now; he wouldn't allow any excuses or brook any more delay.  The Buddha threw up his hands in dismay and said he couldn't do it, he had to meditate.  Jesus merely smiled and turned in his program.  That's because Jesus saves!


I got the following from an e-mail contact:

   "Duct tape is like the Force; it has a light side
    and a dark side and it holds the universe together."

  In return, I asked if he were aware of the guiding force of the universe - IAOIO?

  It's the "Innate Animosity of Inanimate Objects",
        taught me by my mother some 70 years ago (now, in 2015)
        and probably discovered by good old Murphy.


If you cheer yourself hoarse after getting carte blanche for a project, are you putting the carte before the hoarse? (SB,III)


On that note, we used to summer in a little village on Long Island called Cedarhurst; my mother left a message for my father once that she was going to Cedarhurst and his new receptionist, aware that he was a funeral director, duly noted that Mom was "going to see the hearse!"


I'm not much for most Web humor but this one, from my sister, has to be one of the best ever:

Sherlock Holmes and his associate, Dr. John Watson, went on a camping trip.  As they lay down for the night, Holmes said: "Watson, look up into the sky and tell me what you see".

Watson said, "I see millions and millions of stars".

Holmes: "And what does that tell you?"

Watson: "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of Galaxies and potentially billions of planets.  Theologically, it tells me that God is great and that we are small and insignificant.  Meteorologically, it tells me that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.  What does it tell you?"

Holmes: "Somebody stole our tent."


I have a cousin given to circulating puerile jokes by e-mail; I love her dearly but hate the jokes.  This one, however, really clicks:

A Short History of Medicine

        I have an earache:

        2000 B.C. - Here, eat this root.
        1000 A.D. - That root is heathen.  Here, say this prayer.
        1850 A.D. - That prayer is superstition.  Here, drink this potion.
        1940 A.D. - That potion is snake oil.  Here, swallow this pill.
        1985 A.D. - That pill is ineffective.  Here, take this antibiotic.
        2000 A.D. - That antibiotic is artificial.  Here, eat this root.


From a religious organization, I find that there is an Ecumenical Guest House on BIMBO STREET in Budapest!

Wonder what the guys who stay there pray for before they hit the sack?

Someone discovered a local street in San Carlos, California, shown as "Whore Street" on some maps (it's not named that, really).

Truth IS by far a thousand times stranger than fiction - and funnier!

That was never more true than when I stumbled across a diamond traffic warning sign up near Enfield, Connecticut [near our own (Revolutionary War) Newgate Prison], that read (this is a photofake I made up - I can't find my original photo):

SchZone-NoPassing
(06 Apr 05 photofake by and © S. Berliner, III - all rights reserved)

[Actually, I think it was just north of the Old Newgate Prison (well worth a visit) in East Granby, on the way north to the Conn./Mass. state line and on to Springfield,]   rev.gif (02 Jan 2014)


BEASTLY NUMBERS

My ever-lovin' nephew sent me this:

We all know that 666 represents the mark of the Beast. . .

Some other signs:

660 - Approximate number of the Beast

DCLXVI - Roman numeral of the Beast

666.0000 - Number of the High Precision Beast

0.666 - Number of the Millibeast

/ 666 - Beast Common Denominator

666(-1) - Imaginary number of the Beast

1010011010 - Binary of the Beast

1-666 - Area code of the Beast

00666 - Zip code of the Beast

1-900-666-0666: Live Beasts!  One-on-one pacts!  Call Now!  Only $6.66/minute.  Over 18 only please.

$665.95 - Retail price of the Beast

$699.25 - Price of the Beast plus 5% state sales tax

$769.95 - Price of the Beast with all accessories and replacement soul

$656.66 - Walmart price of the Beast

$646.66 - Next week's Walmart price of the Beast

Phillips 666 - Gasoline of the Beast

Route 666 - Way of the Beast

666°F - Oven temperature for Roast Beast

666k - Retirement plan of the Beast

666mg - Recommended Minimum Daily Requirement of Beast

6.66% - 5 year CD interest rate at Beast Bank ($666 minimum deposit.)

Lotus 6-6-6 - Spreadsheet of the Beast

Word 6.66 - Word Processor of the Beast

i66686 - CPU of the Beast

666i - BMW of the Beast

DSM-666 (revised) - Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of the Beast

668 - Next-door neighbor of the Beast

To which I shot back (9 months later):

Having survived 1999 (you did, didn't you?),

I realized that you had overlooked some other fine numbers:

664 - Other Next-door neighbor of the Beast

665 - Across-the-Street neighbor of the Beast

667 - Other Across-the-Street neighbor of the Beast

566 or 766 - Back-yard neighbor of the Beast

1:66.6 - Beast Broad Top model railroad

Old 666 - BBT Engine "Old Nick"

666 Park Avenue - Simply Beastly Digs

666 Fifth Avenue - Top of the Sixes - "Beast Restaurant in Town"#

666°C - Beastly Hot, what?

666°K@ - The Temperature at which Hell freezes over

6-6-6 - Buttons to push after connecting to 666-666-6666

and hearing "Please listen carefully; our menu has changed
and you must now select the beast choice"

Am I pushing your buttons?

Ol' Nick (I mean, Unc)

        - - - * - - -

Downstairs from the Sixes is Beast & Co., a hot little beastro!

Tractor buffs must remember Caterpillar's predecessor company, C. L. Beast.

When you're travelling, be sure to stay at the Beast Western motel (666 Route 666).

Beasthampton - the hottest place on Long Island (66.6 miles east of Manhattan)!

Beast, West, Hell is best!


Ethnic slurs abound and I'm not above enjoying some of the best; one of the oldest is the so-called "Polish pistol"; a friend had a "real" one but I lost the picture so I cobbered up this one from a photo on the Web (left); that makes no sense, so Anderzej Dombrowski came up with this modification with a mirror to improve aim (center) but it wasn't all that much better and Wojciech Babinski revised it further (right):   rev (22 Jan 2016)

PolishRev.  PolishRev.2  PolishRev.3
("Photos" by and © 2004(L) and 2016(C/R) S. Berliner, III - all rights reserved)

The big problem is to get impartial testers; so far, only Poles have volunteered.   added (22 Jan 2016)

My absolute favorite, though, is the Polish dueling pistol:

PolishDuelPistol
("Photo" by and © 2004 S. Berliner, III - all rights reserved)

Then, there's always the 20-paces version:

Polish20pDuelPistol
("Photo" by and © 2004 S. Berliner, III - all rights reserved)
[Thumbnailed - click on picture for much larger image;
go on - click and scroll away!]

Needless to say that I had no longer created these than I ran across a whole slew of them at immaginÆ.

I loved a drawing of the classic Polish pistol that was labeled, "FOR SALE - Only used once"!


I shot this through the rain in my home town of Westbury (LI, NY):

Westburry
(Photo by and © 2008 S. Berliner, III - all rights reserved)

Some sign painter needs to be quizzed - WESTBURRY?


My sister is big in greyhound rescue and has three dogs (it figures that I can't stand housepets); she sent this gem for Easter 2008:   new.gif (25 Mar 08)

The Bunny Gets Even!
BunnyGetsEven
Greyhound nightmare!
[You can click on the image to enjoy a larger picture]


More of this nonsense on Fun Page 2 and Fun-Tech page.



Remember Pinhead and Foodini?  How about Alexander Botts and the Earthworm Tractor Company?  Then, there's my outdated Pooh Page.

If you like doing jig-saw puzzles, you might like this Canadian-themed site: Denionica, where you can do them on-line.

For totally ludicrous railroad, business, and place names, see "BW RR, BUSINESS, and PLACE NAMES" on my Berlinerwerke Saga page, et seq.

Then, there'Z alwayZ the Z-scale (1:220) model RR EnZyclopedic Zictionary, et seq.!

For equally (or more so) incredible railroad equipment and yarns, see my Berlinerwerke Apocrypha page, and for even taller tales see my Berlinerwerke Guest Apocrypha page, and especially my own HO Biffie and its Biffisch car.

If you are air-minded (take that as you choose), you must see the Lion Air site!  I'd be Lion if I didn't warn you to keep your tongue in your cheek on this one!

Fans of art must visit the Museum of Depressionist Art and the The Gallery of the Unidentifiable!

If you enjoy creative lunacy, visit the Pseudodictionary!

In addition, now, try my Pseudogeography Page. new.gif (02 Jun 2015)


Cyclops automobili fans; see Cyclops on my Automotive page!



If you think you're up to it, this page continues on my Fun Page 2.



LEGACY

  What happens to all this when I DIE or (heaven forfend!) lose interest?  See LEGACY.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE

See Copyright Notice on primary home page.



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© Copyright S. Berliner, III - 1999, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2008, 2014, 2015, 2016  - all rights reserved.


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