S. Berliner, III's sbiii.com Fun Page 2 keywords = fun humor wit laugh smile joke gag boff silly silliness bumper sticker entertain amuse

Updated:   20 Mar 2017; 19:20  ET
[Page converted 18 Jul 2012
    original AT&T Worldnet Website begun 30 May 1996.]

URL:  http://sbiii.com/fun2.html
[was at "home.att.net/~Berliner-Ultrasonics/fun2.html"]

S. Berliner, III
Consultant in Ultrasonic Processing
"changing materials with high-intensity sound"

[consultation is on a fee basis]

Technical and Historical Writer, Oral Historian
Popularizer of Science and Technology
Rail, Auto, Air, Ordnance, and Model Enthusiast
Light-weight Linguist, Lay Minister, and Putative Philosopher



note - The vast bulk of my massive Web presence (over 485 pages) had been hosted by AT&T's WorldNet service since 30 May 1996; they dropped WorldNet effective 31 Mar 2010 and I have been scrambling to transfer everything.  Everything's saved but all the links have to be changed, mostly by hand.  See my sbiii.com Transfer Page for any updates on this tedious process.


S. Berliner, III's

sbiii.com

Fun Page 2

What a waste of Good Humor!

(Maybe I should switch to Bungalow Bar?)

Go on, tell me you don't remember Bungalow Bar!


[The more technological "humor" hereon was moved to my FUN-TECH page on 14 Oct 2004
to make room for more puerile foolishness.]


This page was continued from my Fun Page.


I have been asked many times how in hell do I find time to do ALL that I do (these web sites)?  Didn't you know my stock answer?  I'm either semi-retired or semi-retarded, but I don't know which!


JUST PLAIN FUN - Continued

(or "humor"{?} or silliness!)

Now, let's start new material for this page with something old (but worth repeating):

    THE FOUR STAGES OF MAN:

    Tri-weekly;
    Try weekly;
    Try weakly;
    Try.


[The following will get me in all kinds of trouble with feminists
but facts are facts - just the facts, Ma'am!]

2009 Woman Driver Awards:

10th Place goes to:

WomaDrv09-10

9th Place goes to:

WomaDrv09-09

8th Place goes to:

WomaDrv09-08

7th Place goes to:

WomaDrv09-07

6th Place goes to:

WomaDrv09-06

5th Place goes to:

WomaDrv09-05

4th Place goes to:

WomaDrv09-04

The Bronze Medal Winner:

WomaDrv09-03

The Silver Medal Winner:

WomaDrv09-02
[Her helmet is being worn backwards!]

and, finally, here is our 2009 Women Drivers Awards

Gold Medal Winner

WomaDrv09-01

How the ... ? ! ?

Oh never mind ... CONGRATULATIONS ! ! !

This concludes the 2009 Women Drivers Awards Ceremony.

Thanks to all our contestants for giving us all a reason to laugh and smile (and to John F., who sent this along to me).


Here's one that caught my eye at a RR meeting (at a church - note the Church seat) (22 Aug 2012):

DougJohn
(16 Aug 2012 photo by SB,III)

Just for the RECORD, shouldn't that read THE DOUGLAS JOHN CO.?


This came in attached to an e-mail and has got to be one of the funniest things I've seen in a long while (and it explains a lot) (21 Aug 2012):

Two Mayans
WHY THE WORLD WON'T END TODAY!
("TODAY" being 21 Dec 2012)

Go on - tell me this isn't intensely clever!

Oh, it gets better - how about this news release from 21 Dec 2012? (22 Aug 2012)

Arizona police chief cancels Mayan apocalypse -

The end of the world has been cancelled in Willcox, Arizona

Willcox Police Chief Jake Weaver sent out a press release that he cancelled the Mayan apocalypse today because of "prior scheduled events."

Weaver states in the release that, "After much consideration, the Mayan apocalypse has been cancelled due to conflicts with prior scheduled events. I apologize for any inconvenience this cancellation may have caused anyone who may have been looking forward to the end of the world, however we still have plans, and the apocalypse just didn't fit into our schedule. Feel free to continue living your lives, and, as always, let's be careful out there."

Weaver said people in Willcox just have different plans than the Mayans.

Let's hear it for Chief Weaver!


My brother-in-law passed along this wonderful, if unprovenanced, "infographic" of Canada; naturally, being me, I just HAD to tweak it a wee bit (six obvious, three subtle):

CanadaInfographic  CanadaInfographicIII
(right image altered by SB,III - 07 May 2013)

Can you spot 'em (9) all?


Anent that Canadian "map", Bank of America/Merrill Lynch came up with this rip-off which, again being me, I HAD to tweak (six, not-so-obvious):   new (08 Dec 2016)

AussieMap  AusieMapIII
(left image Bank of America/Merrill Lynch || right image altered by SB,III - 08 Dec 2016)

Can you spot all six of 'em?  One clue, courtesy of ol' Crocodile Dundee - "Knoife?  That's NAWT a knoife.  Now, THIS is a knoife!"



This gem came in via e-mail, entitled "Divine Retribution" (12 Jun 2015):

DivineRetrib 

It's a pretty bad Photoshop job but so funny that it inspired me to check further (fuh-thuh?).  There really IS a giant cross and Adult World at 383 Luther Seibers Lane (apparently a.k.a Old Kentucky Road, unless it's that little side driveway) between Pioneer and Caryville, in Campbell County, Tennesee, just southeast of Exit 141 on I-75, some 20 mles north of Knoxville, but they're nowhere near enough each other for that to have happened.  The cross is about 500 feet up the road from the store.

From above, it's quite evident just how far apart they actually are:

DivineRetrib5 

In a street view, with a signpost as a common reference, here they are again:

DivineRetrib2 DivineRetrib4 

That cross is really big, though; that's a full-size highway roadside sign beyond it (does that make it the sign of the cross?):

DivineRetrib3 

It stands a full 101', 6" (48m) above the ground, so the crossarm must be about 50' (23.6m) long:

DivineRetrib6 

The cross was erected, at a cost of about $25,000 out of his own funds and donations, by preacher James Potter (even before the store opened).

Best part is that there is (or was) also a giant fireworks store nearby accused of selling a huge explosive device to an 11-year-old girl with no adult or ID and it burned to the ground two days after the Fourth!  Them Tennesseers surely do know how to party, with the Lord's help of course!


Funeral Gig - My father and grandfather were noted NYC Funeral Directors and I found this golden oldie too funny to not share:

As a guitarist, I play many gigs.  Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man.  He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauperís cemetery in the back country.  As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost.

I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight.  There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch.

I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.  I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place.  I didnít know what else to do, so I started to play.

The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around.  I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends.  I played like Iíve never played before for this homeless man.

And as I played "Amazing Grace", the workers began to weep.  They wept, I wept, we all wept together.  When I finished I packed up my guitar and started for my car.  Though my head hung low, my heart was full.

As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, "I never seen nothiní like that before and Iíve been putting in septic tanks for twenty years."

Apparently, Iím still lost ...

How 'bout them lil' apples?  My Dad would'a howled!


My sister sent along this bit of waggish humor from the year 1050:

1050-Fun

I'd seen it long ago but mis-read the e-mail as "1040" and that inspired me to whip up this bit:

1040_Fun
17 Jan 2016 image by and © S. Berliner, III - all rights reserved
[with thanks to the IRS (2015) and Camille Flammarion (1888)]
17 Jan 2016 image by S. Berliner, III - all rights reserved.

Hope you enjoy seeing it as much as I did creating it.

Hey!  I didn't know they had Kilroy back in 1050!

1050Kilroy
Image doctored 17 Jan 2016 by S. Berliner, III - all rights reserved.


HEY!  Who says United Fruit Co. (now Chiquita Brands International) didn't (doesn't) control the Americas?

UnitedFruit
(07 Mar 2016 image courtesy of the Berlinerwerke Art Dept. - all rights reserved.)

Back on 05 Nov 2015, I meant to send this to Pres. Obama - Fair is fair - as Chief Executive, responsible for proper federal elections, I think you are obliged to demand public disclosure of Texas Senator Rafael Edward Cruz's original birth certificate!  You probably should also demand similar public disclosure of his very late (and oh-so-politically-convenient) renunciation of his Canadian citizenship by which act he finally ended his divided loyalty to the United States of America.  :∑)   sdded (08 Dec 2016) 02 Dec 2015 - from my sister:   sdded (08 Dec 2016)

21 Best One-Liner Jokes.  #15 Is Just Evil.

1. - I hate Russian dolls, they're so full of themselves.

2. - I asked my North Korean friend how it was there, he said he couldn't complain.

3. - My girlfriend started smoking, so I slowed down and applied Lubricant.

4. - Don't let an extra chromosome get you down.

5. - I haven't talked to my wife in three weeks. I didn't want to interrupt her.

6. - People used to laugh at me when I would say "I want to be a comedian", well nobody's laughing now.

7. - My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo. I had to put my foot down.

8. - Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.

9. - My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

10. - I haven't slept for three days, because that would be too long.

11. - The first time I got a universal remote control, I thought to myself "This changes everything."

12. - My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the local zoo.

13. - Say what you want about deaf people...

14. - I've spent the past four years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer, but no one will do it.

15. - I saw a sign that said "watch for children" and I thought, "That sounds like a fair trade."

16. - I refused to believe my road worker father was stealing from his job, but when I got home, all the signs were there.

17. - I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner, all it was doing was gathering dust.

18. - People say I'm condescending. That means I talk down to people.

19. - You can never lose a homing pigeon - if your homing pigeon doesn't come back, what you've lost is a pigeon.

20. - Whiteboards are remarkable.

21. - I was at an ATM and this old lady asked me to help check her balance, so I pushed her over.

and these -

Old:   sdded (08 Dec 2016)

Definition of "OLD"

#1 - I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair.  She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?"  And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD"!

#2 - Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?"  "98," she replied: "Two years older than me".  "So you're 96," the undertaker commented.  She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"

#3 - Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing about being 104?" the reporter asked.  She simply replied, "No peer pressure."

#4 - I've sure gotten old!  I have outlived my feet and my teeth.  I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, new knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes  I'm half blind, can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.  Have bouts with dementia.  Have poor circulation; hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.  Have lost all my friends.  But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.

#5 - I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, so I got my doctor's permission to join a fitness club and start exercising.  I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors.  I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour.  But, by the time I got my leotards on, the class was over.

#7 - My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.  Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.

#8 - Know how to prevent sagging?  Just eat 'til the wrinkles fill out.

#9 - It's scary when you start making the same noises as your coffee maker.

#10 - These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'

#11 - THE SENILITY PRAYER:  Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway, the good fortune to run into the ones I do, and the eyesight to tell the difference.

Now, I think you're supposed to share this with 5 or 6, maybe 10 others.

Oh heck, give it to a bunch of your friends if you can remember who they are!

O. K., Sis; get a life!


Speaking of my sister, she is/was an art historian and might appreciate this bit of Daliance:   new (20 Feb 2017)


(courtesy of the Berlinerwerke Art Dept.)
THE PERSIMMON OF MEMORY


We have a bon-bon tray (or some such) with this gem emblazoned thereon:   new (20 Feb 2017)

Le meilleur moyen de faire cesser
la tentation est d'y succomber"

(The best way to make temptation stop is to give in to it)


My sister lives out on the high desert of Arizona, 20 miles from the nearest town, with which I, the NYC/Boston kid, am not overly impressed.  When I got a notice from her about their upcoming art show with their own String Orchestra playing, I responded in my usual kind, brotherly way - "Do they also have a Rubber Band Orchestra or a Strapping Tape Orchestra?"  [We've been close for many years, now, but sometimes I push my luck.]   new (20 Mar 2017)



Remember Pinhead and Foodini?  How about Alexander Botts and the Earthworm Tractor Company?  Then, there's my outdated Pooh Page.

If you like doing jig-saw puzzles, you might like this Canadian-themed site: Denionica, where you can do them on-line.



This page was continued from my Fun Page.

[The more technological "humor" hereon was moved to my FUN-TECH page on 14 Oct 2004
    to make room for more puerile foolishness.]


For totally ludicrous railroad, business, and place names, see " BW RR, BUSINESS, and PLACE NAMES" on my Berlinerwerke Saga page, et seq.

Then, there'Z alwayZ the Z-scale (1:220) model RR EnZyclopedic Zictionary, et seq.!

For equally (or more so) incredible railroad equipment and yarns, see my Berlinerwerke Apocrypha page, and for even taller tales see my Berlinerwerke Guest Apocrypha page, and especially my own HO Biffie and its Biffisch car.

If you are air-minded (take that as you choose), you must see the Lion Air site!  I'd be Lion if I didn't warn you to keep your tongue in your cheek on this one!

Fans of art must visit the Museum of Depressionist Art and the The Gallery of the Unidentifiable!

If you enjoy creative lunacy, visit the Pseudodictionary!


Cyclops automobili fans; see Cyclops on my Automotive page!


LEGACY

  What happens to all this when I DIE or (heaven forfend!) lose interest?  See LEGACY.

COPYRIGHT NOTICE

See Copyright Notice on primary home page.



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© Copyright S. Berliner, III - 1999, 2001, 2002, 2003, 2004, 2005, 2008, 2009, 2010, 2012, 2013, 2015, 2016, 2017  - all rights reserved.


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